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uktana

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Totally NOT Fake News 20 6, 9:40am

Anti-racist activists have scored another victory in their fight to remove people of color from all media, brands, logos, mascots, and anywhere else they might appear. In response to pressure from these activist groups, Quaker Oats has announced that Aunt Jemima, the friendly black lady who has been their representative for decades, will be replaced by Jemima Boone, daughter of pioneer Daniel Boone. In similar news, Mars Inc. has replaced Uncle Ben on their rice packages with the uncontroversial Benjamin Franklin; the Native American girl on Land O Lakes butter will be replaced with a hearty Viking woman; and Mrs. Butterworth pancake syrup, which comes in a bottle shaped like an elderly lady of uncertain ethnicity, will now come in a bottle similar to those of other brands of syrup, just to be on the safe side.

Spokesperson Lily Blanchard told UNS reporters, "Anywhere you see a person of color in the media, it's a sign of systemic racism. So we must end such racism by making sure people of color are not depicted anywhere. It is urgent to expunge our public spaces of images that for some people are triggering and really, really scary. Once those images are eliminated, then racism will be a thing of the past."

Aunt Jemina, Uncle Ben, and Mrs. Butterworth could not be reached for comment, but rumor has it that they are going to use their retirement to form a gospel quartet, along with the chef on the Cream Of Wheat package, who is also expecting to be retiring soon.