Scandinavia and the World
May I offer you some Jesus?

May I offer you some Jesus?

The vikings tried very hard to prevent Christians from getting into Sami land because the vikings valued Sami magic very highly and often went to them for magical guidance, and they didn’t want to share that magic with Christians or want them to spoil what the Sami people had in some way. Unfortunately the vikings themselves were eventually converted and then tried to convert the Sami people themselves.

Scandinavia England Sami
20th June 2020
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4 years ago #9833222        

An old story:

An English missionary went to a southern island to teach the pagan natives right from wrong, and give them some god damn Jesus. After a prolonged stay, the language barrier was overcome and a one way exchange of information begun. After a few years, enough of heaven and hell, sins and damnation had been taught so one of the chieftains finally came up to ask:
"This jesus fellow, he really likes to throw people into burning pits for even the smallest things huh?"
"Well, no, Jesus is love."
"Then, why dont he love us as we were?"
"Because you didnt believe in him!"
"So, would we all have been thrown into the burning hole if you hadnt come?"
"Well, no. You didnt know the rules yet."
"So... why did you tell us?"

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4 years ago #9833310        

In ye olde days there lived some badass vikings on Estonian island of Saaremaa known as oeselians who's main god was Thor. The Danish king came at the start of 13th century to conquer the island and convert everyone to Christianity, however he failed. Decade later, german crusaders tried the same, but the oeselians kicked thwir butts so they also failed. Then some years later the danish tried again but were foiled yet again!

It wasn't until 20 years after the first invasion that the danish and germans united forces and successfully conquered the island and converted the vikings to christianity.

Ten years later, the oeselians rebelled, renounced christianity and killed absolutely every outsider on the island, including the priests, to go back their old ways.

Five years after that crusaders managed to sign a treaty and convert oeselians back to christianity.

Two decades later... oeselians got pissed off again, renounced christianity once more and... killed every german and danish AGAIN. This time it took two years and combined armies of the danish, the german crusaders, the army of the bishop of the Holy Roman Empire and latvians to retake the island and convert oeselians once more.

80 years passed, into the 14th century. Oeselians felt a bit cheeky, rebelled, renounced christianity, killed every german, danish and whatnot on the island, same old same old, and back to the old ways they were, unbroken even after eight decades! This rebellion didn't last long though, two years later the crusaders broke the oeselians and this time for good. The vikings of Saaremaa never went back to the old ways again.

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3 years ago #9833801        

Arrival of Jesus for the Sami took some time though. Up until 17th century, pagan practices and worshipping of indigenous deities was very common in Swedish Lappmarks. In Kola peninsula, it continued until the 19th century. Even today there probably are some Sami who make sacrifices for seita (nature shrines).
Laestadius (who was part Sami himself) made many Sami hardcore Christian, however.

4 years ago #9833162        

Of course England would use "Jesus" as an ice breaker/a reason to flirt with a pretty girl


4 years ago #9833177        

If she's interested, you got her talking. If she's not, you know she might be more open for pre-marital activities. Win-win.


3 years ago #9833461        

If you look at the churches in Norway at the time of the Christian invasion, you'll notice that there are dragon heads at the tops of the spires (stave churches). The locals weren't quite sure about this new-fangled religion and in case it didn't work out, they could just go back to the old religion and not have to make any changes to the iconography on the building.

4 years ago #9833311        

Why do you draw us like a Inuit? Sami doesnt look like that, yes the top is sort of right but we dont look like that.

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4 years ago #9833185        

Stop trying to convert everyone bro. Some people are fine as they are.

4 years ago #9833164        

How I miss good old Viking Scandinavia these days. We could use his approach to many things- perhaps he could even beat som sense into England...

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3 years ago #9833732        

This was definitely a long time ago. Nowadays England would be much more associated with Richard Dawkins than Jesus.

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